Computer Jokes
Jokes and laughs sent by my brother, Juan Cárdenas, M.D. cuñao, Eduardo López, Linda Subias, y otros mas ...
In memory of Lolita y Juancito
Laughter is the best medicine for the soulBlonde jokes Mexican jokes Jewish jokes Computer Jokes How Was I Born?
Daddy, how was I born?
DAD SAYS: Ah, my son, I guess one day you will need to find out anyway! Well, you see your Mom and I first got together in a chat room on MSN.
Then I set up a date via e-mail with your Mom and we met at a cyber-cafe.
We sneaked into a secluded room, where your mother agreed to a download from my hard drive.As soon as I was ready to upload, we discovered that neither one of us had used a firewall, and since it was too late to hit the delete button, nine months later a blessed little Popup appeared and said:
You've Got Male!
LIFE BEFORE THE COMPUTER
Memory was something you lost with age
An application was for employment
A program was a TV show
A cursor used profanity
A keyboard was a piano
A web was a spider's home
A virus was the flu
A CD was a bank account
A hard drive was a long trip on the road
A mouse pad was where a mouse lived
And if you had a 3½ inch floppy ...
you just hoped nobody ever found out!The Cabbies in NYC...
A woman and her son were taking a cab in New York City. It was raining
and all the hookers were standing under the awnings. "Mom," said the
little boy, "what are all those women doing?"
"They're waiting for their husbands to get off work," she replied.
The cabbie turns around and says, "Geez lady, why don't you tell him
the truth? They're hookers, boy! They have sex with men for money."
The little boy's eyes get wide and he says, "Is that true, Mom?"
His mother, glaring hard at the cabbie, answers in the affirmative.
After a few minutes, the kid asks, "Mom, what happens to the babies
those women have?"
"Most of them become cab drivers," she said.Evening Classes for men!
New Evening classes for men! All are welcome!
Note: Due to the complexity and level of difficulty, each course
will accept a maximum of eight participants each. Sign up early and
get a discount on registration.
1. How to fill ice-cube trays.
Step by step with slide presentation.
2. Toilet Paper: Do they grow on the roller?
Roundtable discussion.
3. Differences between the laundry basket and the floor,
Practicing with hamper. Pictures and graphics.
4. The after-dinner dishes and silverware: do they levitate and fly
into the kitchen sink or dishwasher by themselves?
Debate among panel of experts.
5. Loss of virility: losing the remote control to your significant
other.
Help line and support groups.
6. Learning how to find things, starting with looking in the right
place instead of turning the house upside down while screaming.
Open forum.
7. Health Watch: bringing her flowers is not harmful to your health.
PowerPoint presentation.
8. Real men ask for directions when lost.
Real-life testimonial from the one man who did.
9. Is it genetically impossible to sit quietly as she parallel parks?
Driving simulation.
10. Living with adults: basic differences between your mother and
your wife.
Online class and role playing.
11. How to be the ideal shopping companion.
Relaxation exercises, meditation and breathing techniques.
12. Remembering Birthdays, anniversaries, other important dates
and calling when you're going to be late.
Bring your calendar or PDA to class.
Martha and Edna, two 'senior' widows, are talking.
Martha: "That nice George Johnson asked me out for a date. I know you went out with him last week, and I wanted to talk with you about him before I give him my answer."
Edna: "Well, I'll tell you. He shows up at my apartment punctually at 7PM and dressed like such a gentleman in a fine suit. And he brings me such beautiful flowers! Then he takes me downstairs, and what's there but a beautiful car, a limousine, uniformed chauffeur and all. Then he takes me out for dinner, marvelous dinner, lobster. Then we go see a show. Let me tell you, Martha, I enjoyed it so much I could have just died from pleasure. So then we are coming back to my apartment and he turns into an ANIMAL. Completely crazy, he tears off my expensive new dress and has his way with me two times!!
Martha: "Goodness gracious! So you are telling me I shouldn't go out with him?"
Edna: "No, no, no! I'm just saying, wear an old dress!"Some children's answers to church school questions - from the Church of England:
• Noah's wife was called Joan of Arc.
• Henry VIII thought so much of Wolsley that he made him a cardigan.
• The fifth commandment is "humour thy father and mother".
• Lot's wife was a pillar of salt by day and a ball of fire by night.
• Salome was a woman who danced naked in front of Harrod's.
• Holy acrimony is another name for matrimony.
• The pope lives in a vacuum.
• The patron saint of travelers is St. Francis of the sea sick.
• Iran is the Bible of the Moslems.
• A Republican is a sinner mentioned in the Bible.
• Abraham begat Isaac and Isaac begat Jacob and Jacob begat twelve partridges.
• The native of Macedonia did not believe, so Paul got stoned.
• The first commandment was when Eve told Adam to eat the apple.
• It is sometimes difficult to hear what is being said in church because the agnostics are so terrible.
Note: this is a tidbit that has made its way around the Internet without attribution. Please, if you have the original author and/or publication, email me with that and I will give proper credit.Some "Senior" personal ads seen in Florida newspapers:
FOXY LADY: Sexy, fashion-conscious blue-haired beauty, 80's, slim, 5'4" (used to be 5'6"), searching for sharp-looking, sharp-dressing companion. Matching white shoes and belt a plus.
LONG-TERM COMMITMENT: Recent widow who has just buried fourth husband, and am looking for someone to round out a six-unit plot. Dizziness, fainting, shortness of breath not a problem.
SERENITY NOW: I am into solitude, long walks, sunrises, the ocean, yoga and meditation. If you are the silent type, let's get together, take our hearing aids out and enjoy quiet times.
WINNING SMILE: Active grandmother with original teeth seeking a dedicated flosser to share rare steaks, corn on the cob and caramel candy.
BEATLES OR STONES? I still like to rock, still like to cruise in my Camaro on Saturday nights and still like to play the guitar. If you were a groovy chick, or are now a groovy hen, let's get together and listen to my eight-track tapes.
MEMORIES: I can usually remember Monday through Thursday. If you can remember Friday, Saturday and Sunday, let's put our two heads together.
MINT CONDITION: Male, 1932, high mileage, good condition, some hair, many new parts including hip, knee, cornea, valves. Isn't in running condition, but walks well.
Southern Science: Cold Water cleaning
CAN COLD WATER CLEAN DISHES?
A man went to visit his 90 year old grandfather in a very secluded,
rural area of Georgia.
After spending the night, his grandfather prepared breakfast for him
consisting of eggs and bacon.
He noticed a film -- like substance on his plate and he questioned his
grandfather...."are these plates clean?"
His grandfather replied, "Those plates are as clean as cold water can
get them, so go on and finish your meal".
That afternoon, while eating the hamburgers his grandfather made for
lunch, he noticed tiny specks around the edge of his plate, and a
substance that looked like dried egg yokes..... so he ask again, "Are
you sure these plates are clean"?
Without looking up from his hamburger, the grandfather says, "I told
you before; those dishes are as clean as cold water can get them. Now
don't ask me about it anymore!"
Later that afternoon, he was on his way out to get dinner in a nearby
town. As he was leaving, his grandfather's dog started to growl and
wouldn't let him pass so he said, "Grandfather, your dog won't let me
out."
Without diverting his attention from the football game he was watching
on TV his grandfather shouted, ..."COLDWATER, Go lay down!The 7 steps to achieving your dream... by Chris Widener
1. Dream it!
2. Believe it!
3. See it!
4. Tell it!
5. Plan it!
6. Work it!
and
7. Enjoy it!
CARPE DIEM... HAVE A GREAT WEEKEND. JUANFrom: "Nancy and Richard"
Marty wakes up at home with a huge hangover. He forces himself to open
his
eyes, and the first thing he sees is a couple of aspirins and a glass of
water on the side table. He sits down and sees his clothing in front of
him, all clean and pressed. Marty looks around the room and sees that it
is in perfect order, spotless, clean. So is the rest of the house. He takes
the aspirins and notices a note on the table "Honey, breakfast is on the
stove, I left early to go shopping. Love you."
So he goes to the kitchen and sure enough there is a hot breakfast and
the morning newspaper. His son is also at the table, eating. Marty asks,
"Son,
what happened last night?" His son says, "Well, you came home after 3
A.M., drunk and delirious. Broke some furniture, threw up in the hallway, and
gave yourself a black eye when you stumbled into the door."
Confused, Marty asks, "So, why is everything in order and so clean, and
breakfast is on the table waiting for me?" His son replies, "Oh that!
Mom dragged you to the bedroom, and when she tried to take your pants off,
you pushed her away & yelled, "Lady, leave me alone, I'm married!"
A self-induced hangover - $100.00
Broken furniture - $200.00
Breakfast - $10.00
Saying the right thing - priceless
This one sent by Eduardo Lopez -mi cuñao favorito"
Subject: The Rambo Granny of Melbourne, Australia
Protecting your own has a new meaning.....
The Rambo Granny of Melbourne, Australia
Gun-toting granny Ava Estelle, 81, was so ticked-off when two thugs
raped her 18-year-old granddaughter that she tracked the unsuspecting
ex-cons down - - and shot off their testicles.
The old lady spent a week hunting those men down -- and when she
found them, she took revenge on them in her own special way, said Melbourne
police investigator Evan Delp. Then she took a taxi to the nearest
police station, laid the gun on the sergeant's desk and told him as calm
as could be:
'Those bastards will never rape anybody again, by God.' Cops say
convicted rapist and robber Davis Furth, 33, lost both his penis and his
testicles when outraged Ava opened fire with a 9-mm pistol in the hotel
room where he and former prison cellmate Stanley Thomas, 29, were holed
up.
The wrinkled avenger also blew Thomas' testicles to kingdom come, but
doctors managed to save his mangled penis, police said. The one guy,
Thomas, didn't lose his manhood, but the doctor I talked to said he
won't be using it the way he used to, Detective Delp told reporters. Both
men are still in pretty bad shape, but I think they're just happy to be
alive after what they've been through.
The Rambo Granny swung into action August 21 after her granddaughter
Debbie was carjacked and raped in broad daylight by two knife-wielding
creeps in a section of town bordering on skid row. "When I saw the
look on my Debbie's face that night in the hospital, I decided I was going
to go out and get those bastards myself 'cause I figured the Law would
go easy on them," recalled the retired library worker. "And I wasn't
scared of them, either-- because I've got me a gun and I've been
shootin' all my life. And I wasn't dumb enough to turn it in when the law
changed about owning one."
So, using a police artist's sketch of the suspects and Debbie's
description of the sickos', tough-as-nails Ava spent seven days prowling the
wino-infested neighborhood where the crime took place till she spotted
the ill fated rapists entering their flophouse hotel.
I knew it was them the minute I saw 'em, but I shot a picture of 'em
anyway and took it back to Debbie and she said sure as hell, it was
them, the oldster recalled.
So I went back to that hotel and found their room and knocked on the
door and the minute the big one, Furth, opened the door, I shot 'em
right square between the legs, right where it would really hurt 'em most,
you know.
Then I went in and shot the other one as he backed up pleading to me
to spare him. Then I went down to the police station and turned myself
in.
Now, baffled lawmen are trying to figure out exactly how to deal with
the vigilante granny. What she did was wrong, and she broke the law,
but it is difficult to throw an 81-year-old woman in prison, Det. Delp
said, especially when 3 million people in the city want to nominate her
for sainthood and a medal.
DEPORT HER TO AMERICA -- WE NEED HER!!!
Hunting Season
It was Saturday morning as Jake, an avid hunter, woke up raring to go bag the first deer of the season. He walks down to the kitchen to get a cup of coffee, and o his surprise he finds his wife, Alice, sitting there, fully dressed in camouflage. Jake asks her: "What are you up to?"
Alice smiles: "I'm going hunting with you!" Jake, though he had many reservations about this, reluctantly decides to take her along.
Three hours later they arrive at a game preserve just outside of San
Marcos, Texas. Jake sets his lovely wife safely up in the tree stand
and tells her: "If you see a deer, take careful aim on it and I'll come
running back as soon as I hear the shot".
Jake walks away with a smile on his face knowing that Alice couldn't bag an elephant -- much less a deer. Not 10 minutes pass when he is startled as he hears an array of gunshots. Quickly, Jake starts running back. As Jake gets closer to her stand, he hears Alice screaming: "Get the hell away from my deer!"
Confused and frightened Jake races faster towards his screaming wife.
And again he hears her yell, "Get the hell away from my deer!" followed by another volley of gunfire!
Now within sight of where he had left his wife, Jake is surprised to
see a cowboy, with his hands high in the air.
The cowboy, obviously distraught, says, "Okay, lady! You can have your damn deer! Just let me get my saddle off it!"
Subject: A good laugh!
Juan, I thought you might like these. I laughed so hard I almost wet my pants. Sandy
The following excerpts are actual answers given on history tests and in Sunday School quizzes by children between 5th and 6th grade ages in Ohio. They were collected over a period of three years by two teachers.
Read carefully for grammar, misplaced modifiers, and of course,
spelling!!!
********************************
Ancient Egypt was old.. It was inhabited by gypsies and mummies who all wrote in hydraulics. They lived in the Sarah Dessert. The climate Of the Sarah is such that all the inhabitants have to live elsewhere.
Moses led the Hebrew slaves to the Red Sea where they made unleavened bread, which is bread made without any ingredients. Moses went up on Mount Cyanide to get the ten commandos. He died before he ever reached Canada but the commandos made it.
Solomon had three hundred wives and seven hundred porcupines. He was A actual hysterical figure as well as being in the bible. It sounds Like he was sort of busy too.
The Greeks were a highly sculptured people, and without them we wouldn't have history. The Greeks also had myths. A myth is a young female moth.
Socrates was a famous old Greek teacher who went around giving people advice. They killed him. He later died from an overdose of wedlock Which is apparently poisonous.. After his death, his career suffered a Dramatic decline.
In the first Olympic games, Greeks ran races, jumped, hurled biscuits, and threw the java. The games were messier then than they show on TV now.
Julius Caesar extinguished himself on the battlefields of Gaul. The Ides of March murdered him because they thought he was going to be made king.
Dying, he gasped out "Same to you, Brutus."
Joan of Arc was burnt to a steak and was canonized by Bernard Shaw for reasons I don't really understand. The English and French still have problems.
Queen Elizabeth was the "Virgin Queen," As a queen she was a success.
When she exposed herself before her troops they all shouted "hurrah!" and that was the end of the fighting for a long while.
It was an age of great inventions and discoveries. Gutenberg invented removable type and the Bible. Another important invention was the circulation of blood.
Sir Walter Raleigh is a historical figure because he invented Cigarettes and started smoking.
Sir Francis Drake circumcised the world with a 100 foot clipper which was very dangerous to all of his men.
The greatest writer of the Renaissance was William Shakespeare. He was born in the year 1564, supposedly on his birthday. He never made much money and is famous only because of his plays. He wrote tragedies, comedies, and hysterectomies, all in Islamic pentameter.
Writing at the same time as Shakespeare was Miguel Cervantes. He Wrote Donkey Hote. The next great author was John Milton. Milton wrote ParadiseLost. Since then no one ever found it.
Delegates from the original 13 states formed the Contented Congress.
Thomas Jefferson, a Virgin, and Benjamin Franklin were two singers of the Declaration of Independence. Franklin discovered electricity by Rubbing two cats backward and also declared, "A horse divided against itself cannot stand." He was a naturalist for sure. Franklin died in 1790 and is still dead.
Abraham Lincoln became America's greatest Precedent. Lincoln's Mother died in infancy, and he was born in a log cabin which he built with his own hands.. Abraham Lincoln freed slaves by signing the Emasculation Proclamation.
On the night of April 14, 1865, Lincoln went to the theater and got shot in his seat by one of the actors in a moving picture show. They believe the assinator was John Wilkes Booth, a supposingly insane actor. This ruined Booth's career.
Johann Bach wrote a great many musical compositions and had a large number of children. In between he practiced on an old spinster which he kept up in his attic. Bach died from 1750 to present. Bach was the most famous composer in the world and so was Handel. Handel was half German, half Italian, and half English. He was very large.
Bethoven wrote music even though he was deaf. He was so deaf that he wrote loud music and became the father of rock and roll. He took long walks in the forest even when everyone was calling for him. Beethoven expired in 1827 and later died for this.
The nineteenth century was a time of a great many thoughts and inventions.
People stopped reproducing by hand and started reproducing by machine.
The invention of the steamboat caused a network of rivers to spring up.
Cyrus McCormick invented the McCormick Raper, which did the work of a hundred men.
Louis Pasteur discovered a cure for rabbits but I don't know why.
Charles Darwin was a naturalist. He wrote the Organ of the Species. It was very long people got upset about it and had trials to see if it was really true. He sort of said God's days were not just 24 hours but without watches who knew anyhow? I don't get it.
Madman Curie discovered radio. She was the first woman to do what she did. Other women have become scientists since her but they didn't get to find radios because they were already taken.
Karl Marx was one of the Marx Brothers. The other three were in
the movies. Karl made speeches and started revolutions. Someone in the family had to have a job, I guess.
An old man was sitting on a bench at the mall. A teenager walked up to the bench and sat down. He had spiked hair in all different colors:green, red, orange, blue, and yellow.
The old man just stared. Every time the teenager looked, the old man
was staring.
The teenager finally said sarcastically, "What's the matter old timer, never done anything wild in your life?"
Without batting an eye, the old man replied, "Got drunk once and had sex with a peacock. I was just wondering if you were my son."
A very attractive woman goes up to the bar in a quiet rural pub. She gestures alluringly to the bartender, who comes over immediately. When he arrives, she seductively signals that he should bring his face closer to hers. When he does so, she begins to gently caress his full beard.
"Are you the manager?" she asks, softly stroking his face with both hands. "Actually, no," the man replies. "Can you get him for me? I need to speak to him," she says, running her hands beyond his beard and into his hair. "I'm afraid I can't," breathes the bartender. "Is there anything I can do?"
"Yes, there is. I need you to give him a message," she continues, slyly popping a couple of her fingers into his mouth and allowing him to suck them gently.
What should I tell him?" the bartender manages to say. "Tell him," she whispers, "there is no toilet paper or hand soap in the ladies room.
There once was a bear and a rabbit that hated each other. One day, they found a genie in a lamp who said he would grant them each three wishes.The bear went first and he said,"I wish to be the only male bear in this forest." And he got his wish.
The rabbit said, "I want a motorcycle helmet." And he got his wish.
The bear went up and said, "I wish to be the only male bear in the United States, and all the rest to be female." And he got his wish.
The rabbit said, "I wish I had a motorcycle to go with that helmet." And he got his wish.
The bear said, "I wish I was the only male bear in the world, and all the rest were females." And he got his wish.
It was the rabbit's turn, and he said, "I wish that bear was gay."
Joke and humour of the day:
HOW CAN YOU LIVE WITHOUT KNOWING THESE THINGS?
Many years ago, in Scotland, a new game was
invented. It was ruled "Gentlemen Only...Ladies Forbidden"....and
thus the word GOLF entered into the English language.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The first couple to be shown in bed together on
prime time TV were Fred and Wilma Flintstone.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Every day more money is printed for Monopoly than
the US Treasury.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Men can read smaller print than women can; women can
hear better.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Coca-Cola was originally green.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
It is impossible to lick your elbow.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The State with the highest percentage of people who
walk to work: Alaska
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The percentage of Africa that is wilderness: 28%
(now get this...) The percentage of North America
that is wilderness: 38%
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The cost of raising a medium-size dog to the age of
eleven: $6,400
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~The average number of people airborne over the US
any given hour:
61,000
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Intelligent people have more zinc and copper in
their hair.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The world's youngest parents were 8 and 9 and lived
in China in 1910.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The youngest pope was 11 years old.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The first novel ever written on a typewriter: Tom
Sawyer.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The San Francisco Cable cars are the only mobile
National Monuments.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Each king in a deck of playing cards represents a
great king from
history:
Spades - King David
Hearts - Charlemagne
Clubs -Alexander, the Great
Diamonds - Julius Caesar
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
111,111,111 x 111,111,111 = 12,345,678,987,654,321
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
If a statue in the park of a person on a horse has
both front legs in the air, the person died in battle. If the horse has
one front leg in the air the person died as a result of wounds received
in battle. If the horse has all four legs on the ground, the person died of
natural causes.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Only two people signed the Declaration of Independence on July 4th,
John Hancock and Charles Thomson. Most of the rest signed on August 2, but
the last signature wasn't added until 5 years later.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Q. Half of all Americans live within 50 miles of
what?
A. Their birthplace
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Q. Most boat owners name their boats. What is the
most popular boat
name requested?
A. Obsession
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Q. If you were to spell out numbers, how far would
you have to go
until you would find the letter "A"?
A. One thousand
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Q. What do bulletproof vests, fire escapes,
windshield wipers, and laser printers all have in common?
A. All invented
by women.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Q. What is the only food that doesn't spoil?
A. Honey
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Q. Which day are there more collect calls than any
other day of the year?
A. Father's Day
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
In Shakespeare's time, mattresses were secured on
bed frames by ropes.
When you pulled on the ropes the mattress tightened,
making the bed firmer to sleep on.
Hence the phrase.........
"goodnight, sleep tight."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
It was the accepted practice in Babylon 4,000 years
ago that for a month after the wedding, the bride's father would supply
his son-in-law with all the mead he could drink. Mead is a honey beer and
because their calendar was lunar based, this period was called the honey
month...which we know today as the honeymoon.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
In English pubs, ale is ordered by pints and
quarts.. So in old England, when customers got unruly, the bartender would yell
at them "Mind your pints and quarts, and settle down. It's where we
get the phrase "mind your P's and Q's"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Many years ago in England, pub frequenters had a
whistle baked into the rim, or handle, of their ceramic cups. When they
needed a refill, they used the whistle to get some service. "Wet your
whistle" is the phrase inspired by this practice.
~~~~~~~~~~~AND FINALLY~~~~~~~~~~~~
At least 75% of people who read this will try to
lick their elbow.
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