If the rich could hire other people to die for
them, the Poor could make a wonderful living. ~~~ Yiddish Proverb
The wise man, even when he holds his tongue, says more than the fool
when he speaks.~~~ Yiddish Proverb
Ask about your neighbors, then buy the house. - Yiddish proverb
More Yiddish
Proverbs ...
"Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be
happy."
~ Benjamin Franklin
"Everything should be made
as simple as possible, but not simpler."
Albert Einstein
"There are only two ways to
live your life. One is as though nothing is a miracle. The other is as
if everything is a miracle"
Albert Einstein
I once had a rose named after me and I was
very flattered. But I was not pleased
to read the description in the catalogue:
"No good in a bed, but fine up against a wall"
~Eleanor Roosevelt
The secret of a good sermon is to have a good beginning and a good
ending; and
have the two as close together as possible.
~George Burns
Santa Claus has the right idea .visit people only once a year.
~Victor Borge
My wife is a sex object. Every time I ask for sex, she objects.
~Les Dawson
By all means marry. If you get a good wife, you'll become happy; if
you get a
bad one, you'll become a philosopher.
~Socrates
I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.
~Groucho Marx
My wife has a slight impediment in her speech. Every now and then she
stops to breathe.
~Jimmy Durante
The male is a domestic animal which, if treated with firmness and
kindness,
can be trained to do most things.
~Jilly?Cooper
I never hated a man enough to give his diamonds back.
~Zsa Zsa Gabor
Only Irish coffee provides in a single glass all four essential food
groups:
alcohol, caffeine, sugar and fat.
~Alex Levine
Don't go around saying the world owes you a living.
The world owes you nothing.
It was here first.
~Mark Twain
My luck is so bad that if I bought a
cemetery, people would stop dying.
~Ed Furgol
Money can't buy you happiness, but it
does bring you a more pleasant form
of misery.
~Spike Milligan
What's the use of happiness?
It can't buy you money.
Henny Youngman
I am opposed to million aires, but it would
be dangerous to offer me the position.
~Mark Twain
Until I was thirteen, I thought my name
was 'shut up'.
~Joe Namath
Youth would be an ideal state if it came
a little later in life.
~Herbert Henry Asquith
I don't feel old.
I don't feel anything until noon.
Then it's time for my nap.
~Bob Hope
A woman drove me to drink...and I
hadn't even the courtesy to thank her.
~W.C. Fields
I never drink water because of the
disgusting things that fish do in it.
~W.C. Fields
It takes only one drink to get me drunk.
The trouble is, I can't remember if it's the
thirteenth or the fourteenth.
~George Burns
We could certainly slow the aging
process down if it had to work its
way through Congress.
~Unknown
Don't worry about avoiding temptation...
As you grow older, it will avoid you.
~Unknown
Maybe it's true that life begins at fifty.
But...everything else starts to wear out,
fall out, or spread out.
~Unknown
Doctor to patient:
I have good news and bad news.
The good news is that you are not a
hypochondriac.
~Unknown
The cardiologist's diet:
If it tastes good .. spit it out.
~Unknown
By the time a man is wise enough
to watch his step, he's too old to
go anywhere.
~Unknown
And Last but not least!
It's hard to be nostalgic when you
can't remember anything.
~Unknown
>
The Value of a Good Drink
"Sometimes when I reflect back on all the wine I drink
I feel shame. Then I look into the glass and think
about the workers in the vineyards and all of their hopes
and dreams . If I didn't drink this wine, they might be out
of work and their dreams would be shattered.
Then I say to myself, "It is better that I drink this wine and let
their
dreams come true than be selfish and worry about my liver."
~ Jack Handy
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may leave you wondering what the
hell happened to your bra and panties
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"I feel sorry for people who don't drink. When they
wake up in the morning, that's as good as they're going to feel all
day. "
~Frank Sinatra
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may create the illusion that you
are tougher, smarter, faster and better looking than most people.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading."
~ Henny Youngman
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may lead you to think people are
laughing WITH you.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case. Coincidence? I think not."
~ Stephen Wright
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to think you can
sing .
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"When we drink, we get drunk. When we get drunk,
we fall asleep. When we fall asleep, we commit no sin.
When we commit no sin, we go to heaven. So, let's all!
get drunk and go to heaven!"
~ Brian O'Rourke
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause pregnancy.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy."
~ Benjamin Franklin
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like
a fool.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"Without question, the greatest invention in the history of mankind is
beer. Oh, I grant you that the wheel was also a fine invention, but
the wheel does not go nearly as well with pizza."
~ Dave Barry
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell your friends
over and over again that you love them.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
To some it's a six-pack, to me it's a Support Group. Salvation in a
can!
~Dave Howell
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you can
logically converse with members of the opposite sex without spitting.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
And saving the best for last, as explained by Cliff Clavin, of Cheers.
One afternoon at Cheers, Cliff Clavin was explaining the Buffalo
Theory to his buddy Norm.
Here's how it went:
"Well ya see, Norm, it's like this... A herd of buffalo can only move
as fast as the slowest buffalo. And when the herd is hunted, it is the
slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first This
natural selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the general
speed and health of the whole group keeps improving by the regular
killing of the weakest members. In much the same way, the human brain
can only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells. Excessive intake
of alcohol, as we know, kills brain cells. But naturally, it attacks
the slowest and weakest brain cells first. In t! his way, regular
consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain cells, making the
brain a faster and more efficient machine. That's why you always feel
smarter after a few beers."
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you are
whispering when you are not
Dale Carnegie said, "Act
enthusiastic and you'll be
enthusiastic."
"Never, never, never give up." - Winston Churchill
“An idealist believes the short
run doesn't count. -- A cynic believes the long run doesn't matter. -- A
realist believes that what is done or left undone in the short run
determines the long run.” -- Sydney J. Harris
"What we have done for ourselves
alone dies with us; what we have done for others and the world remains
and is immortal" Albert Pike (1809 -91)
"What is not started today is never finished
tomorrow."
- Johann Wolfgang von Goethe
"The more you like yourself, the less you are like
anyone else, which makes you unique.
- Walt Disney
"Hold fast to dreams, for if dreams die, life is a
broken winged bird that cannot fly."
-- Langston Hughes
"Do not go where the path
may lead, go instead were there is no path and leave a trail."
Ralph Waldo Emerson
Famous quotes printed on your T shirt
"Find something you love
to do and you'll never have to work a day in your life"
Harvey MacKay quotes
"When a person with money meets a person with experience, the person
with the experience winds up with the money and the person with the
money winds up with the experience"
Harvey MacKay quotes
"Good habits are as addictive as bad habits, and a lot more rewarding"
Harvey MacKay quotes
The person who knows HOW
will always have a job. The person who knows WHY will always be his
boss.
Alanis Morissette
Famous quotes printed in your T shirt
Mark Twain
Last week I stated that this woman was the
ugliest woman I had ever seen. I have since been visited by her sister
and now wish to withdraw that statement.
Giving up smoking is easy...I've done it
hundreds of times.
Giving up smoking is the easiest thing in the world. I know because I've
done it thousands of times.
The report of my death was an exaggeration.
-- (New York Journal, June 1897)
Buy land. They've stopped making it.
Albert Einstein
The secret of creativity is knowing how to
hide your sources.
The most beautiful thing we can experience
is the mysterious. It is the source of all art and science.
Put your hand on a hot stove for a minute,
and it seems like an hour. Sit with a pretty girl for an hour, and it
seems like a minute. THAT'S relativity.
If the facts don't fit the theory, change
the facts.
Try not to become a man of success, but
rather try to become a man of value.
Great spirits have always encountered violent opposition from mediocre
minds.
Example isn't another way to teach, it is
the only way to teach.
Human beings, vegetables, or comic dust, we
all dance to a mysterious tune, intoned in the distance by an invisible
player.
Heroism on command, senseless violence, and all the loathsome nonsense
that goes by the name
of patriotism -how passionately I hate them!
Anyone who has never made a mistake has never tried anything new.
Will Rogers
Every time a woman leaves off something she looks better, but every time
a man leaves off
something he looks worse.
The taxpayers are sending congressmen on expensive trips abroad. It
might be worth it except they keep coming back!
Why don't they pass a constitutional amendment prohibiting anybody from
learning anything? If it works as well as prohibition did, in five years
Americans would be the martest race of people on Earth.
You can't say civilization isn't advancing; in every war they kill you
in a new way.
People are getting smarter nowadays; they are letting lawyers, instead
of their conscience, be their guide.
I'm not a member of any organized political party, I'm a Democrat!
We can't all be heroes because someone has to sit on the curb and clap
as they go by.
Everything is changing. People are taking the comedians seriously and
the politicians as a joke.
Always drink upstream from the herd.
=====================
Show me a sane man and I will cure him for you. Carl Gustav Jung
It is easier to fight for principles than to live up to them. Alfred
Adler
Not a shred of evidence exists in favor of the idea that life is
serious. Brendan Gill
Girls are like pianos. When they're not upright, they're grand. Benny
Hill
Put your hand on a hot stove for a minute, and it seems like an hour.
Sit with a pretty girl for
an hour, and it seems like a minute. That's relativity. Albert Einstein
Of the delights of this world, man cares most for sexual intercouse, yet
he has left it out of
his heaven. Mark Twain
As to marriage or celibacy, let a man take the course he will. He will
be sure to repent.
Socrates
A husband is what's left of the lover after the nerve has been
extracted. Helen Rowland
A bachelor is a selfish, undeserving guy who has cheated some woman out
of a divorce. Don Quinn
Marriage is a great institution, but I'm not ready for an institution
yet. Mae West
Marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence. Second
marriage is the triumph of hope
over experience. Oscar Wilde
My advice to you is to get married. If you find a good wife, you'll be
happy; if not, you'll
become a philosopher. Socrates
He who knows that enough is enough will always have enough. Lao Tsu
Never invest your money in anything that eats or needs painting. Billy
Rose
A rich man's joke is always funny. Proverb
Never insult an alligator until after you have crossed the river. Cordel
Hull
When one burns one's bridges, what a very nice fire it makes. Dylan
Thomas
I like pigs. Dogs look up to us. Cats look down on us. Pigs treat us as
equals. Winston Churchill
Though I am not naturally honest, I am so sometimes by chance. William
Shakespeare
A man can't be too careful in the choice of his enemies. Oscar Wilde
There are three faithful friends—an old wife, an old dog, and ready
money. Benjamin Franklin
Always forgive your enemies; nothing annoys them so much. Oscar Wilde
I can resist everything except temptation. Oscar Wilde
To cease smoking is the easiest thing. I ought to know. I've done it a
thousand times. Mark Twain
A conclusion is simply the place where someone got tired of thinking.
Arthur Block
Common sense is the collection of prejudices acquired by age eighteen.
Albert Einstein
Children are unpredictable. You never know what inconsistency they're
going to catch you in next.
Franklin P. Jones
What is a committee? A group of the unwilling, picked from the unfit, to
do the unnecessary.
Richard Harkness
Youth is a malady of which one becomes cured a little every day. Benito
Mussolini
The trouble with being punctual is that nobody's there to appreciate
it. Franklin P. Jones
All my life, I always wanted to be somebody. Now I see that I should
have been more specific. -- Jane Wagner
Bigamy is having one wife too many. Monogamy is the same. Oscar Wilde
I am not a vegetarian because I love animals; I am a vegetarian because
I hate plants. A. Whitney Brown
Experience is that marvellous thing that enables you recognise a mistake
when you make it again. F. P. Jones
"Sure, everyone always said 'Socrates what is the meaning of life?' or
'Socrates how can I find happiness?', did anyone ever say 'Socrates
hemlock is poison.'???????" Socrates right before his death
Advice is what we ask for when we already know the answer but wish we
didn't. Erica Jong
The direct use of force is such a poor solution to any problem, it is
generally employed only by small children and large nations. David
Friedman
Man invented language to satisfy his deep need to complain. Lily Tomlin
Start every day off with a smile and get it over with. W. C. Fields
The most exciting phrase to hear in science, the one that heralds new
discoveries, is not 'Eureka!' (I found it!) but 'That's funny ...' Isaac
Asimov
==================
Woody Allen
I am at two with nature.
I took a speed reading course and read 'War and Peace' in twenty
minutes. It involves Russia.
I was thrown out of college for cheating on the metaphysics exam; I
looked into the soul of the
boy sitting next to me.
I'm astounded by people who want to 'know' the universe when it's hard
enough to find your way
around Chinatown.
If only God would give me some clear sign! Like making a large deposit
in my name in a Swiss
bank.
It seemed the world was divided into good and bad people. The good ones
slept better... while the
bad ones seemed to enjoy the waking hours much more.
Life is full of misery, loneliness, and suffering - and it's all over
much too soon.
Money is better than poverty, if only for financial reasons.
More than any other time in history, mankind faces a crossroads. One
path leads to despair and
utter hopelessness. The other, to total extinction. Let us pray we have
the wisdom to choose
correctly.
My one regret in life is that I am not someone else.
On the plus side, death is one of the few things that can be done just
as easily lying down.
Organized crime in America takes in over forty billion dollars a year
and spends very little on
office supplies.
What if everything is an illusion and nothing exists? In that case, I
definitely overpaid for my
carpet.
You can live to be a hundred if you give up all the things that make you
want to live to be a
hundred.
The lion and the calf shall lie down together but the calf won't get
much sleep.
It's not that I'm afraid to die, I just don't want to be there when it
happens.
====================
George Carlin
Saturday, May 22, 2004
Honesty may be the best policy, but it's important to remember that
apparently, by elimination,
dishonesty is the second-best policy.
I'm completely in favor of the separation of Church and State. My idea
is that these two
institutions screw us up enough on their own, so both of them together
is certain death.
There's no present. There's only the immediate future and the recent
past.
Weather forecast for tonight: dark.
Well, if crime fighters fight crime and fire fighters fight fire, what
do freedom fighters fight?
They never mention that part to us, do they?
--------------
Johnny Carson
Saturday, May 22, 2004
Democracy means that anyone can grow up to be president, and anyone who
doesn't grow up can be
vice president.
For three days after death hair and fingernails continue to grow but
phone calls taper off.
If it weren't for Philo T. Farnsworth, inventor of television, we'd
still be eating frozen radio
dinners.
If life was fair, Elvis would be alive and all the impersonators would
be dead.
=====================
David Letterman
Saturday, May 22, 2004
Everyone has a purpose in life. Perhaps yours is watching television.
Fall is my favorite season in Los Angeles, watching the birds change
color and fall from the
trees.
I'm just trying to make a smudge on the collective unconscious.
New York now leads the world's great cities in the number of people
around whom you shouldn't
make a sudden move.
Sometimes when you look in his eyes you get the feeling that someone
else is driving.
There's no business like show business, but there are several businesses
like accounting.
Traffic signals in New York are just rough guidelines.
USA Today has come out with a new survey - apparently, three out of
every four people make up 75%
of the population.
===============
Oscar Levant
Saturday, May 22, 2004
There's a fine line between genius and insanity. I have erased this
line.
Underneath this flabby exterior is an enormous lack of character.
So little time and so little to do.
I am no more humble than my talents require.
I envy people who drink. At least they have something to blame
everything on.
The only difference between the Democrats and the Republicans is that
the Democrats allow the
poor to be corrupt, too.
Behind the phony tinsel of Hollywood lies the real tinsel.
I'm going to memorize your name and throw my head away.
Every time I look at you I get a fierce desire to be lonesome.
I knew Doris Day before she was a virgin.
Once I make up my mind, I'm full of indecision.
Roses are red, violets are blue, I'm schizophrenic, and so am I.
What the world needs is more geniuses with humility; there are so few of
us left.
When I was young I looked like Al Capone, but I lacked his compassion
=====================
Groucho Marx
Saturday, May 22, 2004
A child of five would understand this. Send someone to fetch a child of
five.
Either this man is dead or my watch has stopped.
From the moment I picked up your book until I laid it down, I was
convulsed with laughter. Some
day I intend reading it.
Go, and never darken my towels again.
I find television very educating. Every time somebody turns on the set,
I go into the other room
and read a book.
I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an
exception.
I sent the club a wire stating, PLEASE ACCEPT MY RESIGNATION. I DON'T
WANT TO BELONG TO ANY CLUB
THAT WILL ACCEPT ME AS A MEMBER.
I've had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn't it.
Military intelligence is a contradiction in terms.
Military justice is to justice what military music is to music.
Money frees you from doing things you dislike. Since I dislike doing
nearly everything, money is
handy.
My mother loved children -- she would have given anything if I had been
one.
She got her looks from her father. He's a plastic surgeon.
Those are my principles, and if you don't like them... well, I have
others.
Women should be obscene and not heard.
================
Mary Richards
Saturday, May 22, 2004
Sometimes you have to get to know someone really well to realize you're
really strangers.
I'm an experienced woman; I've been around... well, alright, I might
not've been around, but I've
been... nearby.
~ Mary Richards (Mary Tyler Moore Show)